Now
The knot in my stomach
tightens
squeezing tears, dripping
like a soaked towel left on the clothesline in
pouring rain twisted
in clenched fists.
I’ve missed you so much
just as you miss him
now still here, yet not
Forcing myself to remember better
times at the playground I no longer recognize
modern mounds of green short of chained pleasures
smaller and tighter
Dolly in her stroller, she used to sit and swing
secure next to me as you kept watch
all ghosts there now
We, in our world playing with dolls
at that park
in the living room, on the kitchen table
I hold onto the grainy snapshots
as you sit near me no longer here
Now you cower alone in the kitchen
listening to melodies of his native tongue
understood better than when he spoke to you
And you cry as I cry
gripping, face twisted and squeezed
wishing he would visit you in this desolate place
while all I want is your eyes to return
to see a pretty sunrise
or a robin pecking in the yard
I know you cannot, will
not allow yourself such pleasures
Angry words burn
in my head as I realize we are
the same
guilt and loss, a penance
boring holes too deep to fill with
empty words now
SMF